Still So Childlike

We were headed to the Grand Canyon in AZ from our home in Colorado Springs, CO. We love driving trips as a family. When driving through farmland and we see cows, we claim the cows. BLBLBLBL 100.  We always exaggerate the number we see. Whoever spots the cemetery first, gets all the cows. We talk about everything in the car. We sing. We laugh. We learn more about each other every time.

“I thought veal was a fish.” Veronica said. I hear that and my heart melts. Veronica is still so much little girl.

This will really interest you to know. I sure learned something new. After driving 11 hours our first day, we stopped at a restaurant for dinner where Veronica had a large glass of iced tea. We didn’t think much of it at the time. Bedtime came and we all settled in, to sleep. Not Veronica. She was wired from the caffeine in her drink, awake and pacing on and off. She was restless, kept moving around in the bed she and her sister Kylie were sharing, and apologizing repeatedly for kicking her sister. Then, around 3 a.m., Veronica became paranoid -without reason, feeling others are being mean, unfair, or dishonest with you. Resource: Hallucinations web.md.com.

Veronica said, “I hear you!” The three of us were sleeping and her talking woke us up.

We said, “What?”

She said, “I can hear you.”

 We asked, “Who are you talking to?”

 Then, crying, she said, “Stop It! I’m feeling uncomfortable!”

We asked, “About what?”

And she said, “You and Dad, I can hear you having sex!”

We told her, “We would never, ever do that with you and Kylie in the room. We were sleeping.”

She said, “I can see you, Mom! Your head is under the covers!” She cried harder.

I said, “Look at me Veronica! I am laying still, towards your bed.”

She laid crying for a few minutes more and said, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

I would call that hallucinations- false perceptions, where you sense an object, person, or event even though it is not really there or didn’t happen. It seems very real to you. Hallucinations can involve any one or all of your senses: sight, sound, smell, touch, and taste. Resource: Hallucinations webmd.com So many behaviors that come from a brain injured person can be so hard to understand. 16 years into this life and we are still left confused and learning.  Since this trip and with a bit of researching, I have learned that people with a higher caffeine intake are more likely to report hallucinatory experiences, such as hearing voices and seeing things that are not there. Resource: High Caffeine Intake Linked to Hallucination Proneness At this point, I am hoping that is all that brought all of this on. We totally joked about the experience and the words, “I’m feeling uncomfortable,” the whole rest of the trip. In reality I am glad Veronica can express that. She’s such a trooper. We all laughed about it the rest of our five-day trip.

The next morning, we were at the Grand Canyon. First thing, Veronica walked about 6 feet from the drop off, the edge.

 I immediately yelled, “That’s Enough! DON’T go any closer!”

She said, “I’m fine.” As she pushed her limits like a toddler running to the end of the driveway by a busy street.

 She said, “STOP treating me like a kid!” On average 30 people a year have accidental deaths by falling over the edge into the canyon.

 I couldn’t watch. I asked my husband to handle it. He and my other daughter continually asked Veronica to move back, but with no success. It was stress I truly never imagined being a problem. That night, we went back to the canyon to watch the sunset and the stars in the night sky. We all wore gym shoes, but Veronica wore flipflops. We didn’t notice until we got there. Again, close to the edge she went. There was just no getting her to listen. It was very dark, and we had to ask Veronica to stop running ahead in the dark. The area is known to have bears, deer, elk, mountain lions and who knows what else. With that, it was very important to me that we all stay together. With a child you may pick them up or make them hold your hand. Here we have an adult body with a childish mind, it’s hard. Honestly, most of it comes out when we are away from home, in crowds, and in public places. I think it’s the stimulation and sometimes the love for attention. I don’t think she is aware she is doing it, or that she even thinks about it. I am beyond thankful devastating happened that day or that night!

From all the research I have done, I fully believe these impulsive, reckless behaviors have to do with Veronica’s injured frontal lobe. When the frontal lobe is injured, patients can develop behavioral changes including childlike behaviors. This area controls, reasoning, problem solving, executive functioning, empathy, impulsivity, poor decision-making, and reckless behavior. This area is one of the last areas of the brain to fully develop, not reaching a fully mature status until age 25. If injured, childlike behaviors may return because the frontal lobe is no longer fully operational. Resource: Childlike Behavior After Injury: Causes and Treatments Dr. Alina Fong Ph.D. Updated 5 December 2023.

I have unhappily thought and rethought about our experiences on this vacation. Veronica wants to travel. My words did not help her change her behavior and come away from danger while at the Grand Canyon, and neither did my husband Greg’s, or Kylie’s direction. Talk about having NO CONTROL over the situation. I want to help Veronica’s dream of traveling and seeing more of the world come true. However, my solution was to tell Veronica, if she is not capable of being safe and following directions, there can’t be any more trips for her to places that she could be at risk of harm. I don’t have a better answer than that.

I am trying to understand what happened, so once home, Veronica and I talked about it.

She said, “I don’t know why I am so unpredictable, and I don’t know why I won’t listen. You’re right, that is going to hold me back in life.” This, to me, is a mature answer.

She said, “I am testing my limits. I want to know what I am capable of.”

I said, “On the edge of Grand Canyon is not the place to try and figure it out.”  

Her final answer… “I don’t know why I do some of the things I do.”

When she says, “I don’t know.” I believe her.

FRONTAL LOBE DAMAGE

In the end, we are all fine, healthy, and safe. And we saw many beautiful sights. We laughed, enjoyed each other’s company, and still absolutely love going on driving vacations together.

Thank you for taking time to read this blog. If you have had any similar experiences with your brain injured loved one, comments are welcomed.

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This life is not for the weak. All we can do is thank God for the good days, every win, keep trying to learn, and push forward.

Have a beautiful week.