Failure to Launch Syndrome

Sadly, Veronica asked me, “Do I have failure to launch?”

Have you heard of the statement, “failure to launch?” Young adults with failure to launch, or failure to thrive may appear to be “stuck” or not maturing in an age-appropriate way. Failure to launch syndrome is an increasingly common problem among young people who are either unwilling or ill-prepared to leave their family home and live an independent life. Resource: Failure to launch embarkbh.com

If this was so, that would mean to Veronica that she is a failure. A parent doing too much for their child and them finding that living at home and being taken care of is the easier road can be a contributing factor of Failure to Launch. I have wondered at times over the years if we babied Veronica too much since sustaining her severe traumatic brain injury at the age of 15, and not allowing her to grow to her fullest potential. She is now 31. But I see by her progress, it is possible to protect someone without holding them back. She can physically take care of herself 100%, which is an incredible blessing since she was originally paralyzed on her left side. Even being able to move physically was no guarantee that she’d be able to take care of herself physically. I do not believe failure to launch applies to brain injured people in the way the definition suggests. Veronica had adynamia, lack of motivation and initiation for many years. Over the years Veronica has thrived. She has come so far. She can easily take care of the basics inside of a house. She can clean and decorate and take care of the dogs letting them out and feeding them on a schedule. She may not know how to shop for the healthiest foods, but that never stopped someone from living on their own. Cooking. She can cook only very little safely, but cooking is not a requirement for living on their own either. I look around and see many people living at home with their parents, not working when they are capable. I do not for a minute believe that although Veronica lives at home that she has failure to launch. I honestly believe that she would never have become as capable as she has if she didn’t want to. Her progress has taken many years, so I am not talking about brain injured people in the beginning years of their journey. Veronica is not capable of managing money, but that wouldn’t keep her from living independently. That is what the help of a conservator is for. Veronica has poor decision-making skills and a lack of impulse control that could put her in serious danger. That is why she must live at home with us, her parents, who dearly love her and would do anything to keep her safe.

Failure to launch is a term that if used about Veronica, would make her feel like a failure. Although the definition seems to fit when taken out of context, it is due to her deficits due to her brain injury. Totally different than a choice many young people are making on purpose these days. I told her, “No, you do not have failure to launch!” The last thing I want is for Veronica to feel like a failure. We have been quite protective of Veronica, who she spends time with and what she does during that time over the years. As I said in the past, we really do not know what a brain injured person is and is not capable of until put in a specific situation. So, in the past few years, we have given her a chance to show us what she is capable of so as not to stifle her growth. Let me tell you, it has been very difficult to let go. Four separate times over the years since three years post tbi, Veronica has been trained by different professionals to drive. There is a disconnect between her brain and her feet and she mixes up the gas and the brake. She has tried working many times over the years and just could not remember the next step. She follows directions but cannot be told more than two steps because she forgets anything past that. We have taken chances to let Veronica fly. She had a boyfriend, and he was allowed to stay overnight at our house, and she was allowed to stay with him. Maybe she was 15 in many ways, but she wanted to have a sexual relationship like many adults want. It turns out that he put Veronica in a dangerous position by drinking and driving with her in the car. We didn’t realize he was doing that for a long time. We gave him the chance to do better. When he didn’t Veronica did not tell us for a while and continued to ride with him. We gave Veronica the opportunity to navigate her own adult relationship. Allowing Veronica to go anywhere with him was torture, but we had to take a chance and trust that she would make good decisions, until we found out that is not what she was doing. We knew we could no longer allow this relationship, which for Veronica was very hard to accept at first. But as time went on Veronica did come to realize she learned a lot about herself and what she doesn’t want in her life. We have taken chances that have allowed Veronica to learn what she is and is not capable of.

Not having a paying job has been a tough one for Veronica to accept. I remind her frequently that not getting paid for something you do, does not make you a failure. I remind her that we do other worthwhile things like educate high school students about brain injuries. We have taught 30 classes now. She is a public speaker, an educator. That is a job. We concentrate on the “can do’s” not the “can’t do’s”. The definition of failure to launch does emphasize not being able to live independently, but when I see Veronica, there is not one thing that speaks “failure” to me, ever. She came from learning to do everything all over again at the age of 15, to a person who tries and tries. She has come such a long way and continues to surprise me with her efforts and successes 15 years after sustaining her severe tbi, being in a coma and on life support like so many and is still improving 15 years later. She learned to run this year. I still can’t believe my eyes when I see her do it.

   I make sure Veronica knows there is nothing she does in her life that makes her a failure in any way. Trying and failing doesn’t make anyone a failure. You learn from it, and for the many that continue to try, it makes them tenacious, the kind of person who never gives up and never stops trying. Resource httpswww.merriam-webster.com That is Veronica.

After our brain injuries we may not be able to do what we used to do before our injuries, but every single little thing counts. And to me, success or not, there is no failure in that. It is the effort that counts. These leaps may be few and far between, but they are still wins.

Veronica is a 100% success in my eyes. I know you will read this because you are supportive that way…

No Veronica, YOU DO NOT HAVE FAILURE TO LAUNCH!

If you would like to learn more about our first 12 years of recovery, the ups, and downs, please read my book titled,

A Miracle a Day, One Day at a Time: Hope After Traumatic Brain Injury

Come purchase it right here on my website from Amazon. Press menu, then press book. Scroll down and there you will see it. Thank you for reading my blog.

Every win counts. Have a beautiful week!