Don’t Compare Yourself

Do you ever feel worse after talking to someone else that also has a family member with a brain injury?

I had a conversation with someone recently that has a grown child with a brain injury, too, but from birth, not at the age of 15 like our daughter. I felt like no matter what I said, she had to outdo me. We talked about our children, now very close in age. Her daughter is capable of doing many things Veronica isn’t. She said, “Of course my daughter is independent. She has to be. I will not be here forever.” That stung, because of course we would like nothing better than for Veronica to be able to drive, work, and live alone if she chose. I told the things that Veronica had trouble with and every time she came back with, “Well, my daughter can.” Honestly it felt like, as my husband says, “If I ate a pile of shit, she ate two.” We talked about our stories and not once did she say anything supportive. Not Once. I don’t want or expect anyone to feel sorry for us in any way because we manage just fine. A little empathy would have been nice, even a little. It felt bad to talk to her. But what else can you do when you are seated right next to each other on a plane for an hour and a half. I should have said I did not feel like talking. I thought I was being polite. I hope I never ever make anyone feel the way I felt talking to her, in my lifetime. When I write my blogs, I share many positive thoughts and situations, not because our situation is better, but because it makes me feel better to concentrate on the positive. All of us with brain injuries could go on all day about our deficits and what makes us sad. Caregivers can easily be down in the dumps about what their family members or friends are no longer capable of, down about how different all of our lives are now, how tired we are from either taking care of someone else or tired from having a brain injury ourselves. But I just can’t do that and feel the blessings we have been given. If I ever ever ever come off in a way that makes you feel worse about your situation instead of better, validated, and understood, email me, and tell me so, at corbelli@q.com

It didn’t only make me feel bad. I thought Veronica was nearly asleep and not listening. She heard every word. She was in a weird mood, weepy, and I couldn’t figure out why. The next afternoon when I brought up what happened, Veronica said, “I can’t do anything. I’m in the way. You and dad can’t have alone time because of me. I said, “Veronica, you were hit in the head by a truck going 60 mph. You can do so many things for yourself. It’s incredible how far you have come. Even Dr. Nunley (our previous neuropsychologist we are still in touch with) cannot believe all you have become capable of and have accomplished. We are public speakers teaching the world about brain injuries one high school class at a time. That makes you pretty darn magnificent! I don’t care if you can’t do the things that other girl could do, because you are better at different things! We love that you live with us. I love spending every day with you.”

Veronica said she doesn’t know what she would do if we weren’t here to remind her how worthy she is. She forgets. If I could, I would remind you, all of you, and I am trying right now. Look at all you can do. If you are reading this, you can see, or hear if someone is reading it to you,  and read. I am so happy for you. Remember even the small wins count. You do not need to be able to drive, work, or live alone to be worthy. God does not judge you for things like that. Are you a good person. OK, do you try? Some of us brain injured people do fly off the handle at times, me included. We are not always in control of our brain. It seems to control us. Do you try to be empathetic. Some of us can’t, but do you try at other things? I know you do.

YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE AND KINDNESS. We all are.

Never compare yourself to anyone else because we are all different and no brain injury is alike.

Thank you for reading my blog.

If you would like to learn more about our lives as we live with brain injuries, my book is about our first 12 years of recovery. It is titled,

A Miracle a Day, One Day at a time: Hope After Traumatic Brain Injury.

Available on Bookbaby Bookshop https://store.bookbaby.com/bookshop/book/index.aspx?bookURL=A-Miracle-a-Day-One-Day-at-a-Time  and other online bookstores.

If you read my book, please write a review where you bought it. I would love to know what you think of it.

Do what you CAN do.

Have a beautiful week!