As a caregiver, you are privy to a lot of surprises. In the beginning, Veronica did unexpected things, but Lord, I was happy she could do them at all. She was a soft-spoken 15-year-old before her severe traumatic brain injury. She went through about 2 months in the hospital where doctors didn’t know if she would ever get her voice back. Once she did, she began speaking in an unexpected sexual way, telling her dad and I about things she wanted to do with her boyfriend. She often said, “I want to get naughty in his bed.” That is a mild statement. She began holding up her middle finger to her therapists. After about a year out of the hospital and being broken up from her boyfriend, every time she would see a man, she would flirt with him. She would ask if he was married, get very close to him even when we showed objection, and touch his chest and face. She took pictures of her naked breasts and sent them to anyone who asked for them. She did this behind a closed bathroom door, so we didn’t know about it for a long time. When we told her she couldn’t do this, we later found out she was taking the pictures in her bed at night. We never thought to take her phone away before she told us what she was doing. She was 16 years old with a 5-year-old mentality at times. But she was so sexual. She bared her chest at the gym, at peoples houses. Just recently, 15 years later, at 31, we were at a friend’s house, and she told two men, friends of the family, she was wearing pretty panties. She said, “Wanna see?” We all told her “No Veronica!” She still pulled her dress up on one side anyway. Veronica has no bubble. You know, personal space, and stands very close to people. She has a very sensitive sense of smell and stands right up next to people in any kind of store we happen to be shopping at and smells them to see If they smell good. They always do because that is what has drawn her to them. She then looks at their hand and asks if they are married and starts a conversation with him or her.
I do not work outside the home. I am Veronica’s caregiver. It takes a lot of energy. My older daughter says Veronica is like a toddler. It’s very hard to stay one step ahead, so she doesn’t get herself into trouble. It’s so scary because some of the decisions she makes can put her in danger. I love my girl. She doesn’t mean to be like this. Her impulses to do inappropriate things can be so strong and she cannot stop herself, later, many times, regretting her behavior. Veronica will always be 15 in many ways. 15 is a hard age for the teen and the parents.
Being biologically 31 years old, Veronica wants to have a drink of alcohol now and then. Even one drink causes her to become loud, disrespectful, very impulsive, and even more unfiltered than usual. She chooses not to drink most of the time, and my husband and I try to keep her from it in some situations. But when it’s around and we aren’t watching closely enough, she will sometimes sneak it. The change in her behavior is a giveaway. Or other times people won’t agree with us saying “No,” to her drinking because she looks like a “normal” adult, and they will sneak it to her. We will be sitting on the deck at a friend’s house relaxing and Veronica will go inside for a minute. That is when she will sometimes grab a shot or two. As I said, she doesn’t drink often, but like many, she likes the way makes her feel. Once we realize it, a feeling of dread comes over us because we truly do not know what to expect. It is usually crude sexual talk or wanting to bare her body. She likes to do that part, alcohol or not.
When it is just Veronica and I at home, things are so calm. She is loving and thoughtful. It is so much different than when we are around a crowd. She loves to be the center of attention, even when she has to shock others to be that. I decided very early on that I would not worry about what others might think about her different behaviors. Others may not understand that because Veronica’s injury is invisible, it still affects her every thought and behavior. Very few people understand this.
I know what her poor brain has been through, and I always want Veronica, no matter what that means for her, for our family. I am never embarrassed by things she says and does. Sometimes I share that she has a brain injury, sometimes not. There is so much good, creative, honest, kind, sweet, empathetic, caring, loving, and loveable about Veronica. I take the wonderful with the difficult. It is all part of her, and I want and love all of her. Of course, we try and teach Veronica right from wrong, acceptable from… not so much… but in the end isn’t that how it is for all of us? None of us is perfect and we all want love and acceptance. And that is exactly what we give Veronica… brain injury or not.
If you would be interested in knowing about our lives, please read my book titled,
A Miracle a Day, One Day at a Time: Hope After Traumatic Brain Injury
It is available on Amazon and can be purchased right here from my website. Go to Menu, press Book, then scroll down and it is available in paperback and on kindle.
Like, follow, and subscribe to my website. I would love to hear from you. Comment or email me at corbelli@q.com
If you subscribe, you will get an email each time I post a new blog.
Remember, brain injury or not, people sometimes do things to be embarrassed about. It is not for you to be embarrassed about their behavior. We can try and guide people as to what is appropriate or not. But why, really, would we be embarrassed about another person’s behavior when we have no control over it, and truly sometimes they don’t either?
Dawn Corbelli 