Sometimes brain injured people have reactions that even they do not understand. After 17 yrs into my recovery I still have symptoms that lead to personal experiences I would not expect to have. This small outburst I had wasn’t nearly as bad as some I have experienced in the past. When our loved ones don’t understand some of our behaviors, they can rest assured that we don’t always understand them either. They are unexpected, cannot be seen coming, and that why this is called an invisible disability.
We were standing in the grocery store, and the checkout lady was throwing our groceries behind her for the bagger. I saw her throw our pretzels, a couple other items, then our bag of chips. I was shocked by what happened to me next, so quickly I couldn’t even control it.
I felt this immense anger well up in me. My eyes started fluttering upward in my head. If my anger is bad enough, I will see black, but not this time. However, this experience upset my whole nervous system to the point I was shaking. I blurted out, “Are you grumpy?” She looked at me and without even giving her time to answer, I said loudly, “Because you keep throwing our food and I don’t want our chips broken!”
It all happened so fast I had no control over myself. It was such a small insignificant thing that set me off and what I said wasn’t bad or mean. It was my reaction to the situation that was alarming to me. My husband let out a small laugh as I stepped back behind him while the lady was talking. Her words sounded blurry in my ears, but I knew she was speaking. I just stood there. I don’t know why something so small would make me so angry. I didn’t have time to ask her nicely to stop throwing our items. That to me would have been a normal reaction. My feelings in reaction to the situation were over the top.
There were two baggers and one of them looked at me with a smile, shook her head up and down in agreement. I wondered then if she had noticed the grocery checker’s attitude, too. I was able to smile at her before retreating back into my own world. I talked about what happened with my husband on our way out of the store. I’m pretty sure he expected I would mention it.
But this damn brain injury-I could not stop thinking about this interaction and her throwing our groceries. I perseverated (to repeat or prolong in action, thought, or utterance after the stimulus that prompted it has ceased) during the ride home over and over, repeatedly naming the items the checker had thrown so many times my husband finally yelled for me to stop.
That’s what many of us do as brain injury survivors. We perseverate. A very common brain injury behavior. My poor husband had to hear about it a couple more times that day. I was greeted with angry looks both times as he told me, “Just let it go!”
I don’t know why something so small and meaningless became so exaggeratedly large in my mind. I hope that doesn’t happen again anytime soon. I bet my husband hopes it doesn’t too. I obsess (to preoccupy or fill the mind of someone continually, intrusively, and to a troubling extent). I do this much more now since my traumatic brain injury. I drive him crazy at times. I don’t mean to. My mind sometimes gets wrapped around things and I cannot stop thinking or talking about them.
Do any of you survivors have trouble letting things go? Do you drive your loved ones crazy with behaviors like these? I’m pretty sure I’m not alone.
If you would like to read more about the outlandish things we deal with as brain injury survivors, please read my brain injury educational book about our journey titled,
A Miracle a Day, One Day at a Time: Hope After Traumatic Brain Injury
It can be purchased through the following link:
https://store.bookbaby.com/book/a-miracle-a-day-one-day-at-a-time
All we can do is try and make tomorrow better. Our minds just aren’t what they used to be. I accept the new me but that doesn’t mean I don’t wish I, or my thought process could react differently some of the time.
Have a blessed week.
Dawn Corbelli 