I have been reading my old journals. Well, today I read about when my kids were small, and I had forgotten so much. I don’t know if my writing is different now because I am older or brain injured. I was going to college then and my thoughts were so clear. My vocabulary was more sophisticated. I don’t feel like that now with constantly forgetting my thoughts and words, being so tired and energy less much of the time. I can see in my writing that I am different now. I know everyone changes over the years, but I can see what I lost after my brain injury. I am not as independent as I use to be. I do not have creativity in the same ways as I used to, or patience.
Noticing these changes really brought me to my knees. I spent the time I needed grieving Veronica’s losses and changes. Greg and I finally had a talk three years after the day that changed our lives forever, and he told me what I couldn’t see. I only looked at Veronica’s progress and did not think too much about the future. That was all I could handle. He said, “Veronica will probably never become independent. She may always live at home. She may not get better.” There is so much I couldn’t see sooner because besides being so busy taking care of Veronica’s every need, I was injured, too. Many of our thoughts and behaviors were similar. She was slower, yes, but in ways, so was I. That night is when my grieving for Veronica’s losses began and honestly crying over them did not last that long. All I focused and still focus on is her progress, her abilities now, and the fact that I can still touch her and hug her and talk to her.
I didn’t spend time crying over my losses. For years I couldn’t see them because Veronica’s injury and deficits were so much worse. I think that’s how it is for mom’s. We put our children first. I so often would tell people that Veronica was in an accident, and I would forget that I was there, too. Every day was consumed with Veronica. I know she needed me, but more than that, she was my daughter that almost died. I gave her everything I had in me. Honestly, even when it took away from my other daughter who needed me too. And I was still trying to be a wife and run a household. Not only was there little time to think about myself, but I also don’t think I wanted to.
12 years after our brain injuries, I wrote my book, and that’s when I really realized I was injured too. 12 years post injury! I thought about everything all of our family had been through night and day and I saw it in writing with my own eyes. I was devastated by what our family had been through in a way I never was before I wrote my book. I believe previously I was in survival mode, which keeps you from concentrating on all the bad stuff and helps you do exactly what you need to do at the time.
About a year after finishing my book, I was finally able to heal from the trauma that was our life.
Well, we are almost 18 years post now. Every day I am grateful for our blessings as I always have been but reading that journal took me back to a place I don’t often think about and honestly don’t remember much of. It reminded me of a me I had pretty much forgotten. And that day, I needed to cry and mourn my losses.
Grieving doesn’t end just because you have cried a few times. Grief is a process with unpredictable waves of sadness, even years later, involving many emotions beyond tears, like anger or numbness. It’s normal for intense feelings to resurface unexpectedly as you adjust to your loss. Crying is a release, not a finish line. There is no set rule or when you “should” be done; its about adapting to a changed relationship with a person you lost, not “getting over it.” In this case, it is a loss of myself.
I have handled our losses very well, Veronica’s and mine, our whole family’s really. I say this as the dynamics of our whole family have changed hugely. I do believe things happen for a reason, and that carries me forward instead of being stuck. I rarely need to go to that painful place to think about who I used to be. And thankfully, when I go there, I don’t stay there for long.
Sometimes it takes being reminded by my family and friends, but I see my purposes as: mother, wife, daughter, friend, brain injury education advocate, teacher, and author. I have found happiness and fulfillment in our new lives post injury, and for that I am grateful to God every day.
If you would like to read more about our lives, trials and triumphs as our family lives this brain injury life, please read my book titled,
A Miracle a Day, One Day at a Time: Hope After Traumatic Brain Injury
God’s blessings to you and yours and thank you for reading my blog.
Dawn Corbelli 