This week I experienced one of Veronica’s new impulses.
We were on the computer and trying to get a video to play that was on a thumb drive. For some reason it wouldn’t come up. Greg is very technologically savvy, and he couldn’t get it to work either. Veronica was standing nearby and tried to help. She couldn’t find her words and reached in front of me as I sat at the computer, and she began pressing buttons. I asked her calmly to please stop pressing things so I could see the screen. After many many times, I screamed, “Get your f>☹*ing fingers off the screen. She got very frustrated and yelled, “I’m not helping you!” and stormed out of the room I continued to yell at her and she at me. After being out of the room about a half hour and calming down, Veronica said, “I’m sorry mom, I couldn’t’ stop. It was an impulse.”
We have not had that happen in the past.
So, two days ago I was having so much trouble finding something on my phone. I kept showing her my phone, saying, “See, it’s not there.” I really didn’t ask for help. I guess I needed validation. Maybe not even that. I just needed someone to see because I was so angry at my phone.
Veronica was at the other end of the couch. She scooted over and began pressing the back button over and over until I did not know how to get back to where I began. After just a couple presses, I said, “Veronica, stop.” Veronica, please stop pressing buttons, “It seems like you are pressing buttons impulsively.” She pressed another button. I said, “Veronica I am asking you nicely to stop touching my phone.”
All of a sudden, I thought about throwing my phone, but I thought better of it. I stood up and screamed as loud as I have ever screamed, “STOP TOUCHING MY F>☹*ING PHONE!!!“ I freaked out as my husband sat there with great big eyes. Veronica sat there quietly for a moment, and I calmed down, but it took a few minutes because I think my blood pressure went up. I was shaking.
Finally, I looked at veronica and apologized sincerely about 10 times for screaming. I did feel bad. And she apologized for keeping on pressing buttons on my phone. She said, “I couldn’t stop. I wish I could stop. Why am I like this?” with tears in her eyes. We hugged and it was over. I said I forgive you. That’s our thing. Once we say, “I forgive you” its over.
Later the next day, Veronica and I were talking about it and she said, “Mom got 10 feet tall and yelled at me.” We laughed. I still cannot believe I screamed at Veronica. I believe that was lack of impulse control for me too.
It is very clear to me now that I have my limits and that sometimes when you have a brain injury, or even if you don’t, we all have our limits.
If you would like to hear more about the good, the bad, and the ugly of our journey through our brain injury life, please read my book.
A Miracle a Day, One Day at a Time: Hope After Traumatic Brain Injury
Dawn Corbelli 