What do you do with those hopes and dreams you had?
So many days, Veronica will sit on the couch and cry saying she wants more freedom. She wanted to join a gym, and I joined with her because sometimes she is impulsive. A few years ago, she saw a man she was attracted to at a gym and was flirting with him. He walked past, and out the door. She pounded on the front window and pulled her shirt up. Honestly, I don’t think she would do that these days. But how do I know? She says, “I don’t do that anymore. I have grown.” That means little because she doesn’t even know what she will do in certain situations until she is in them. She hasn’t been around very many guys for a while. She does flirt and speak sexually around friends we know. They understand this behavior from her. They correct her and move on. Long ago she would touch men’s chests and faces and spoke to them in a sexual manner. In the end she was raped by 2 different men at separate times. I worry this will happen again if she is out of my site for any length of time. Sometimes I worry about Veronica walking around Wal-Mart when I am at the other end of the store. My mind goes and goes. “Has someone lured her away, is she flirting in an inappropriate manner?” Sometimes it is others I don’t trust, but I know what she is capable of too. She has done so many things with men that I know about in the past that makes me worry about her today.
So, I joined the gym with Veronica, so I can make sure she is safe. They have tanning beds in a more private area, and I don’t want anyone to join her in there, by her choice or not. I don’t want her to get in any kind of trouble whatsoever. If something were to happen to Veronica or she stepped out of line and caused a problem, all I can think to myself is, “We have guardianship of her, why in the world would she be there alone?” She is our responsibility.
After begging for more freedom and independence, I did allow Veronica to ride her adult tricycle alone around our neighborhood and one close by. She walked alone another day. She said she wants to see more of the world, so we went on a beautiful hike. She applied as a greeter at Wal-Mart and sent an email to volunteer at a dog kennel/doggy day care. She said, “This week had some good moments.” Each time Veronica was out without me or her dad, you better believe I watched the clock when I thought she’d been gone long enough. I just remembered as I write this, we have Life360, a phone app that shows me where Veronica is at any given time. Hopefully I will remember that next time.
Last night, Veronica cried again because she is worried that this is it. This is her life, living at home with constant supervision, no romantic relationship in her life, not driving, or working, and no career. She does sometimes wonder why God left her here on earth. So often she says, “What’s my purpose?”. She and I teach about brain injuries at high schools. She does agree that it is a big deal, but it is not what she hoped for, for her future, and it’s not her dream. She wants to earn her own money. She said, “I want to experience things, and see things that others my age have.” I have given this a lot of thought. She can’t just be alive because we didn’t want her to die. That is so selfish. She wants to find her own happiness. She says, “I want to do things besides sitting on a couch, watching TV, and going out to dinner with my parents and their friends every Friday. I am living an old person’s life.” She instantly apologizes. Veronica says she needs space and doesn’t want to do everything with her mom. She looked at me instantly, scared she hurt my feelings. Of course she didn’t. I get it. She is 32. The problem is she needs supervision. This is where we, as faithful believers must hand it over to God. After telling her I would drop her off at the gym this week and let her try it alone, she cried and said, “I need to grow some space between us too.” It is hard for all of us. She is so torn living with the mind of a 15-year-old in so many ways, but still wanting us with her so much… And, wanting to be a “grown-up.”
Veronica doesn’t know how to think one step at a time, she always wants more. Dropping her off at the gym is not good enough, she wants me to allow her to walk home afterwards, 2 ¾ miles alone, too. I reminded her that going to the gym alone is a huge step toward being more independent. “So let’s start there,” I said.
One of the biggest problems we are having is that even when I let go of reigns a little bit, Veronica forgets that I have done that and acts and speaks as though I haven’t even given her that opportunity. She gets upset if I let go, and then if I hold on. As Veronica shares more ideas about what she wants to do, I am trying not to say “NO” to all of them, but that is all she hears. It makes me so sad. I don’t know what the future holds. I told her, “We need to pray more together, because we have seen how well our prayers have been answered in the past.” It’s all I got. It’s all I can offer right now.
Veronica’s hopes and dreams have been crushed and I hate that for her. She wanted to go into the Air Force, get married, have 4 children, travel. I am going to start writing down the small steps Veronica is taking, so she can have a tangible reminder that she is not standing still. You can tell someone all day they are beautiful inside and out, that you love them, remind them of where they came from after injury, how much you appreciate all they do, and none of it truly matters if they cannot see any of it from within. This brain injury life can be so sad and difficult. But we do not wallow, we talk about our blessings, those we love, the friends we have, our home, each other. That is what it comes down to. I always say, “God does not care if we work. He cares what kind of person we are.”
Nobody’s life turns out exactly as planned and we must all remember that, remind ourselves of that, and continually remember all the wins and good things in our lives or we’ll all be miserable.
It’s okay to cry about our losses, but not to live in sadness.
If you would like to know more about our lives, please read my book titled,
A Miracle a Day, One Day at a Time: Hope After Traumatic Brain Injury
https://store.bookbaby.com/book/a-miracle-a-day-one-day-at-a-time
If you are interested in purchasing my book, press the link above.
May you enjoy many blessings this week and have the capability of seeing them.
Dawn Corbelli 