As you know, Veronica has a severe tbi. She is highly functioning with residual deficits. Veronica and I had a deep conversation about going out of town to a friend’s wedding. This a continuation from the dilemma I wrote about in my blog last week. I expect Veronica to try and behave in a way that is socially acceptable in public. Yet with her damaged filter and impulsivity from her brain injury, that is not always something she can accomplish.
Veronica said, “I know who I want to be, but I am not always capable of being that person. I live every day like it is my last. I sleep with a guy on the first date because my mindset is that I may never get the chance to sleep with someone again.” Now crying, “There is so much pressure on me. I don’t know if I am capable of not embarrassing myself or others. In the moment what I do feels carefree and later when I think about my loudness, my sexual topic of speech, and touchiness I do feel embarrassed, and I can’t take it back. I want to follow your social cues without being combative, but I can’t promise I won’t be. But I want you to let me try at the wedding.”
I have a part in the results of the situation as well. When I get irritated, I need to tell Veronica, “I have to go to the bathroom, and I need you to come with me. I need your help. Not, “You need to come with me,” making her feel like she is in trouble. That can make her feel defensive, in turn making her combative. That is what really draws attention to the scene. The way we say things can be so important to the outcome of a situation. I am really going to try and change my reaction. At our close friend’s house, I will grab Veronica’s arm and say, “Enough!” when she is flirting with our friend’s husband. Veronica doesn’t want to be made to feel embarrassed by me. She wants me to quietly break the conversation. She may stand there and say, “I’m a grown up. You can’t tell me what to do!” I do not get embarrassed when she becomes outrageous. She doesn’t want me to talk to her like a child, yet how do you talk sensibly to someone acting like a child? Rhetorical question.
What so many don’t realize is for many brain injured people with frontal lobe damage, what makes sense to us, sometimes means nothing to them when they are in the middle of an impulsive behavior. They are simply unable to grasp what they are being told at the moment. It is sike trying to quickly stop a train running on full speed ahead. It is not heard. It may seem ignored, but truly, it is not comprehended.
We have not bought our plane tickets yet and yesterday I was obsessing over the possibilities of situations gone wrong. This has been an agonizing decision for me. How can I expect something from Veronica she has not been capable of in the past, even recently. It’s not even her fault, her behavior in certain situations. What exactly is there to be angry about? It is my responsibility as her caregiver and mother to keep her out of crowded social situations when possible if I don’t want to experience these behaviors from Veronica. I am going to prepare our friends and take Veronica out of the situation if things start to get out of hand. I know, I said that in last week’s blog. My whole mindset is different this week knowing certain things will happen is mine to deal with if I put her in this situation. Knowing she will try to succeed at being socially appropriate yet may not, will have to be accepted by me. This way I am not setting Veronica up for failure. She will be herself. She has never hurt anyone physically and the most she has done is embarrass them with what she says. If she is able to control her behavior in this crowd, I will be delighted and praise her to no end.
No more pressure. I will not be taking Veronica into a situation she has no control over with the expectation that she won’t speak in an unfiltered manner. Our friend and her family are very accepting people. So, I am guessing it won’t be a problem. If it is, we won’t go. With this change of heart, there need be no pressure on either of us. No anger. If we get the go ahead, I have made the decision that Veronica and I will join them. I feel so relieved now having a changed mindset. I am now at peace with this whole situation.
Hopefully by writing about this, other parents and caregivers will realize there are some things we cannot control within our brain injured loved one. It is up to us to decide what situations they are put in whenever possible, so we are not stressed out and angry when these behaviors arise.
If you are interested in knowing more about our trials and triumphs as we live with two brain injured family members in one family, please read my book titled,
A Miracle a Day, One Day at a Time: Hope After Traumatic Brain Injury
If you are interested in purchasing it, press the blue link below.
https://store.bookbaby.com/book/a-miracle-a-day-one-day-at-a-time
So many things are out of our hands. Don’t try and control what you can’t.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog.
Please feel free to like, comment, and follow my weekly blog. If you follow, my blogs will automatically go to your email box as I post them.
Have a beautiful, blessed week!
Dawn Corbelli 