All Veronica did was ask if I had green nail polish. I told her “No.” And in that second it hit me. I finally know why I was so angry and that now it is time to forgive myself for my actions.
A few years ago I threw a bag of nail supplies, an entire kit that Veronica used, that we bought, for her to attend nail school three years after her severe brain injury, it’s been 15 now. The good-sized bag itself was probably worth a couple hundred dollars and could have been in some way useful.
I was so angry that day. I was looking through things in the garage and when I came to that bag, I was furious. I had no idea why I experienced such a shift in emotions. Until today…
Veronica wanted to attend nail school after graduating from high school, so we enrolled her. She was 19, now 30. We were so excited she wouldn’t be sitting around so much playing on her computer, phone, and spending endless hours watching TV. She never belonged in that school, but we didn’t know it at the time. Greg or I would drive her to class 40 minutes each way several times a week. Right from the start we worried about her lack of supervision at breaktime, because of her impulsivity. She would call us during her break and let us know often, that she walked next door to buy candy at the Dollar Store. Never mind she could not count money and would just hold out her hand to let the cashier take the necessary amount. That’s a whole other subject for another day. Veronica would come home from school telling us about the stories she shared about she and her boyfriend’s sexcapades. She shared with anyone who would listen, classmates, clients, and teachers alike. Soon she began calling us at breaktime crying and asking us to come pick her up, that she didn’t want to stay there anymore. She would tell us through tears that the other students sat together and talked about the fun they had together outside class, while Veronica sat alone, night after night. It makes my heart sick when I think about all the pain she has endured mentally and physically over the years. The more calls we got, the harder it was for us to have her continue. We truly thought it was a good thing. Veronica needed something to do to stimulate her brain. We thought this was it at the time. Then there was a student that worked with special needs children in elementary school, and she would continually compare Veronica to them. Veronica wanted to be a grown woman. She thought she was a grown woman. At that point she didn’t realize anything was different about her. She did not recognize her deficits, see anything unacceptable about her excessive inappropriate sexual language and stories. She truly thought she was like everyone else, so being compared to these challenged students this woman taught, frankly, pissed Veronica off. It left Veronica feeling bullied by this woman. We continued to take Veronica to class. She used her lists to help her know the steps in manicuring and pedicuring nails. She graduated nail school. It was a big day! She felt success. But all that came crashing down when she couldn’t take her final exam, state Boards using her notes. Veronica’s short-term memory held her back. $3000, months of classes Veronica suffered through, crying to be brought home most days, for nothing. Believe me, if we had it to do over, we would never have sent Veronica to nail school. She was not ready. But it was an experience. We did not realize how socially, and mentally unprepared Veronica was to be in such a situation. At that time, she should have never been out in the world without our supervision. It is hard to tell sometimes with a brain injury what someone is capable of and what they are not, because different situations bring out different, sometimes unexpected behaviors.
Years later, maybe as many as 10 yrs, I would walk past that big bag full of nail school supplies on my way to get into my car almost every day . Until that day, that one angry day, when I asked Veronica if she was ever going to use it again. She said, “No.” I picked up that heavy black back and hurled it into the trash can as hard as I could, and slammed the lid with force.
I have regretted throwing away that bag full of nail supplies, polish, tools, nail tips, powder, nail files, and more. I could have offered either of our girls to go through it and get some use out of what was there. I’m a woman who saves the tissue paper out of gift bags to use in the future. I hate waste.
Today it hit me. The fury, the force in which I threw it away. That day I felt it tugging at me. The truth that one more thing Veronica wanted had been taken away from her by her severe brain injury, another capability, gone. I guess I wanted that bag, that reminder, gone forever. I was not and have never ever ever EVER been angry with Veronica for things she is no longer able to do as long as she tries. But this was much more than that. It was the pain I felt for the pain she once felt.
Today, 15 years after our injuries, I realize my action and anger was part of my mourning process and what I did is ok. Today, I can finally forgive myself for the haste of throwing away something useful, because now it can no longer remind me of our pain.
Today I let it go.
If you would like to learn more honest, raw, and real experiences of our first 12 years of recovery, please read my book titled,
A Miracle a Day, One Day at a Time: Hope After Traumatic Brain Injury.
It can be found on Amazon on my website. You can order it here. On the menu, press Book and it will come up.
Have a beautiful day my wonderful supporters.
Come back next Friday for my next blog.
Dawn Corbelli 