My mind still often drifts momentarily to our past. The truth is, there are people that say, it has been so many years now, aren’t you past it? There is no getting over a brain injury. It lasts forever. We were watching a movie about a man who committed suicide and listening to his mother talk about how part of you dies with your child. I think another one of the hardest things to go through is mourning someone who is alive and has become a new person due to a brain injury. That’s where my mind went. You have to get to know them all over again, completely. I began thinking about the fact that Veronica came so close to the edge of death but didn’t die after all her poor body and brain went through, although having nothing to do with self-harm, thank heavens. So many times people look at what has been lost after their loved one is so injured from a brain injury. I just don’t and have not looked at it that way at all. I know Veronica becomes sad about her losses sometimes; and I do understand that. But I wanted Veronica to live no matter what, no matter if she had to wear a diaper, live without a voice like we thought she might, having to be in a wheelchair due to paralysis on her entire left side as it was for a time after injury. I know I am selfish in that way. If things ended up that way or worse, I would have spent the rest of my life helping her know she was wanted and loved. I just wanted to continue to be – together. I have thought about these things at great length, even in the beginning. I saw her in a vegetative state, but honestly didn’t want to let her go even in that condition. I always kept hope. For me, that is what this whole journey has been about. I just wanted to be able to touch Veronica, physically feel her. I look at what we have been through, how far we have come as a family, even how long it has taken. We still have our daughter, and I thank God for that every day. I thank God for my family every day.
Veronica has or has had so many conditions attached to the life of a traumatically brain injured person. She has severe bouts of anger, poor decision-making skills that can and have in the past, put her in danger, mood swings. We have been through adynamia-lack of initiation and motivation, that can make a brain injured person appear lazy to outsiders that do not understand this lifelong condition of traumatic brain injury. She used to have the inability to follow through on self-care, in some ways suffers low self-esteem, the loneliness that comes from being different than before and also different than what is expected in todays social standards. She has suffered severe weight again due to a damaged hypothalamus, which is to no fault of her own. People don’t see that damage by looking at her. This is an invisible disability that many people do not take the time to understand. She is hypersexual and has shown inappropriate public sexual behavior. Again, not socially acceptable. She suffers chronic pain daily from all the damage her body has endured. Depression and anxiety are known in most brain injured individuals, and Veronica is no different. She has severe short-term memory loss, gets overstimulated easily, and has other cognitive deficits as well.
I DON’T CARE! And Veronica handles it like a champ!!! She is my superhero. I wouldn’t change a thing about her. I love my girl. She is perfect to me. I’m sure Veronica would change many of these things if she could, but has stated to me many times, “I would never go back. I am a better person now and I am closer to God.” I don’t see the negative, the losses. Not because I have blinders on. I just choose to concentrate on all Veronica can do, can accomplish, the good, happiness, love, and positive she feels. And she does feel it. We talk about it daily. I am her #1 fan, her cheerleader.
This so important I MUST share it.
Family or friends of the brain injured person must show acceptance about these changes. If the one or ones the injured person loves most cannot accept him or her, they will not accept themselves. How can they? They are strangers to themselves and need all the positive support they can possibly get.
It took time and allowing myself to grieve what was and is no longer. But ever since Veronica came out of the ICU and I handed all this over to God, and let Him be in control, I don’t carry the heaviness of CANT’S on my shoulders. I don’t dwell on our deficits. And I have many too. Due to my brain injury, the lasting effects have been many. To name a few: aphasia, where you lose your words. Veronica has this too. You know the words are there somewhere, but you cannot for the life of you think what they are to get them out. It is sometimes, many times, difficult for me to follow a sentence, asking someone to repeat themselves. They think I am not listening. I am, but I take longer to comprehend, and severe short- term memory loss. There’s more. I’m sure of that, but of course I cannot think of them right now. We live with these things daily, but we have learned how to manage most of them, in time.
We concentrate on what is today. Our faith, our family, our blessings, our joy, and hope for our future.
If you would like to know more about our journey, please read my book titled, A Miracle a Day, One Day at a Time: Hope after Traumatic Brain Injury. You can actually order it off Amazon right from my website if you go to the menu. It is available on most online bookstores. If you do read it, please kindly post an honest review of what you think of it.
Have a beautiful, blessed day everyone!
Dawn Corbelli 